Creating Space

October is my birthday month. This year I lost my mom and it’s my first birthday without her. I really missed not hearing from her first thing in the morning to wish me a happy birthday, tell me she loved me and how proud she was of me. Her phone call and those words always made me feel like I was her little girl again. I miss her profoundly in so many ways.

The months leading up to my mom’s passing were frightening and emotional for me and my brothers. My brothers lived in close proximity to my mom while I lived out of state, so we communicated with each other often throughout the day. At times we inadvertently unleashed our fears, frustrations and anger in hurtful ways, making the already tense situation much worse. After all, none of us had traveled these roads before, yet we were all trying to manage Mom’s care and rapidly dwindling finances. We were doing the best we could under the circumstances which never seemed to be enough. Although my brothers thought I was being silly, I became more and more fearful that we would become estranged when Mom wasn’t with us any longer.

Over the course of a year as Mom’s health continued to decline, we all felt the collective angst of running low on money and painfully discussed moving her to a nursing facility. The thought of moving her away from her friends and activities was horrifying to all of us but thankfully, the last couple months of her life were spent at home where she peacefully passed away with her caretaker and loved ones close by.

While all this was transpiring, I endured a serious ear injury and attempted to manage my life at home with my husband, our dog and two kitties as well as run our two businesses. Although I usually did a pretty good job of caring for myself, I definitely felt like I was running on empty.

It’s a major awakening to realize that your parent, the person you went to for their insight, judgement and voice of reason is now a desperate “child” who must now be taken care of however, in retrospect I’ve learned some invaluable lessons. Since Mom has passed I’ve found that loss has profoundly changed me and time and energy is much more precious. Our friends and family will unintentionally hurt and disappoint us, so we must step up to be our own best friend. We must choose the people who enter our lives very carefully and be able to let go of those who are draining or unhealthy for us. We must continue to let people know who we are and teach them how to treat us. Finding strength in ourselves to move forward, even when we feel alone and afraid is imperative. Painful days are inevitable and although we’re sharing the same situation with others, it most likely will not be perceived the same way. The strong person we try to be may be crumbling on shaky ground and others triggers are likely to become compounded by our own. Hopefully with determination and the support of loved ones we will find our way.

This most recent storm is now behind me and I spend my days more open, with less to say and more to absorb. I’m not trying to save the world and instead am concentrating on saving myself. I’m concentrating on living my life in a purposeful, loving and creative way with my top priority being happy, holistically healthy and sharing these aspects of myself with others. I admit to giving in to life’s meaningless aggravations on occasion and am trying to resist this unproductive, self-sabotaging habit. I’m continuing on my way to be a curious, conscientious, passionate, loving, interesting, introspective, sensitive, spiritual, seasoned warrior while also being a beautiful work of art in progress.